Two years ago on this day, my neighbors burried their little four year old girl, who died from leukemia. I can't say the exact day she died but it rained. It wasn't a surprise she had cancer for around a year. But at the same time, it's  a surprise, a miarcles suppose to happen for things like this. God's suppose to go against nature, disease, and a four year old's weakened will, and restore life. But he didn't in nonemotional terms somehow that was meant to happen.

But that sounds terrible doesn't it.  In my Behavoiral Medicine we talk about today could be are last day. It's unlikely that it will be, but it could be. And most of us aren't going to know and even if we do, it's morbid to sew up the leftover life we have.

We have to sew up our past today. We have to make peace and let things move on. We have to take as much action we can in this particular day.  Do what we can, but let things grow to. But you really never know, what things will have the time to grow and what things will fall into the past.

But either way we have to fully, completely,  take over today. Because it could be the last day.

Okay so like I said before, I'm starting to go to CBT which is kind of like therapy with homework, for people who are obessive and not content with the slow and steady ness of just talking to someone and have them listening. And if just the talk of therapy got so many hits, I figured I'd do something cool and post the homework assigments too since I type them anyway. In case you guys don't completely already tap into my unconscious. I went for my second appointment but today was really the first appointment with therapy. I've been keeping a feelings journal, heh. that sounds silly. More just like a written journal, I pick silly lists like Things I appreciate, People in my life and the gifts they give me, Places I want to visit, Things I have to do that could wait. Things like that. And also anytime I feel intense feelings, if it's rational and once the instense feeling passes if I still feel it's rational. I'm making goal lists for the next two weeks, mental, physical, and emotional.  Hah, if going to therapy = weakness as someone said how it's viewed in my comments. What's it mean if your sharing every detail. blushes. =(

1. I often worry that I _________. (fill in the blank)

I often worry that I'll never change, I'll always have the same mentalty about my mother or emotionally stunted, and addicted personality.

2. If this worry of yours was indeed true, what does it mean to you and why does it bother you so much?

Well, if I stayed the same I'd never be truly 100% happy with myself., I'd probably still find myself married but I'd be unhappy. I'd never be content. I'd always live in the past. Probably devleop an addiction. And in essense be my mother.

The worst thing that could happen in my mind isn't not changing, being alone, and addicitve. My worst fear is changing, moving myself out of my situation, finding a whole and put together husband, creating a whole and put together family, and cutting that connection with my family. Part of me feels because I'm in therapy, it will somehow make my family put together and whole I know that's unrealistic and selfish. I need to recognize it's one or the other. I'm still nnot sure. I feel like no matter what I'll always be alone. 

4. When you think of the worst thing that could happen, do you really think that it's likely to happen? If so, how could you learn to cope with it?

I don't think it could happen, the idea of me getting whole and put together scares me if I think about it enough because I picture myself never content. I'll always miss my family or being able to relate to them. I'll never look at my own mental health as something that ever needed attention.  But I guess part of me does wish it could happen. That's why I look it up so much, get into therapy, and make lists. But staying therapy actually thinking about the lists is different.

5. What do I (perhaps "secretly") get out of thinking like this? How does it work to my advantage?

I secretly hope someone in my family will want to change, it works to my advantage because I think of them and not me.

6. Persuade a Friend

Here I tell the students to carry on a dialogue - in writing - with a friend. "Pretend that your friend has some of the same worrisome beliefs that you do. Look back over the things you wrote for questions 1-3. Pick out one of those statements and write it down, as if your friend just said it. Now skip a line, and write a response to your friend's statement. In that reponse, be a compassionate, rational, and realistic thinker. After you write your response, skip a line and have your friend reply. Maybe your friend is a bit stuck in his/her thinking. Then skip a line, and respond again to your friend. Keep this conversation going for 10 lines or so.

The worst thing that could happen in my mind isn't not changing, being alone, and addicitve. My worst fear is changing, moving myself out of my situation, finding a whole and put together husband, creating a whole and put together family, and cutting that connection with my family. Part of me feels because I'm in therapy, it will somehow make my family put together and whole I know that's unrealistic and selfish. I need to recognize it's one or the other. I'm still nnot sure. I feel like no matter what I'll always be alone. 

You've had the put together mature guy before, you didn't feel alone. He appreciated and loved the side of you that wanted to grow up healthier. Your families' metal health is not your responsible, and even if it was it's impossible for even the closest compassionate daughter you can't change it. There are postive attributes in even the sickest indivduals, appreciate these, and those attributes can continue to be in your life.

But it's my family, it's different than a soul mate. Because I'm still my family, and sometimes whne I complain about my family to my soul mate, they'll agree. And  I get defensive. Because that's my family. I just want them to be like everyone else, I want them to be mine, or to at least want to become healthier.

Have faith in your family, have faith in their strength and weaknesses. It's never to late for them to change. But life ends, as much as you love your family. They will die. As much as you love your soulamte. They will die. All you have is you. Take care of that. And everything else will fall into place.

7. Positive imagery antedotes

I ask the students to select three positive images, real memory or imagination, related to: confidence & strength in your life... safety and peacefulness in your life... love in your life...

I ask them to see each one clearly. Once those images are established, I ask them to imagine a real or imaginary scene related to one of their negative thoughts. I tell them that when the time feels right, they should move from the negative image to the positive one that feels like the right antedote, then back again to the negative image, repeating the cycle until they feel comfortable ending the exercise with the positive image firmly in mind.

Confidence & Strength:
Positive: Being succesfull, getting a good job, and having a life outside my family

Negative: Not. living home, living for them

Safety and Peacefullness

Positive: Finding a healthy balance between being a positive person and integrating my family in areas they can be

Negative:  Letting the negative energy consume me. Being defeated

Love in Your life

Positive: Finding someone who respects me and loves me.

Negative:  Being unloveable, difficult, unatttatched, alone, or violated.

8. I accept myself even though I __________ (do not use the word "am")

I accept myself even though I worry about others opinions.

I write in here once a day sometimes 2x a day and the only days I miss it are when I'm happy and have a really good week.  I started this journal in 2005. giggle. I thought I was going to marry Eminem and I use to write these poems and then rap them in my room, and when I typed I would use 0 instead o  and sz instead of s. I was young.  I can't tell you how many boyfriends flew in and out of the pages. I can't tell you how many times I sat here in the morning with coffee or at night crying my eyes out just trying to get it all out. But it never runs out. I write because it does make me feel better. I like to reread my entries because there's time I look back and I'm happy with where my head was and sometimes just a good memory.

So I'm taking a break until 2010.

I'm going to transfer, move back home, and who knows what I'll be feeling or dealing with.

But I gurantee you, on New Years Eve  or sometime close when I sit to type my new year entry I'll look at this one and see where I was. So here am I.

I think I'm onto something good. My hearts aching but it's getting better. I'm in love and I'd like to think it's going to go away but at the same time I sure hope it doesn't. I fall asleep to the same dream everynight because otherwise I cry myself to sleep. And the boy I love, says he loves me so in my optimistic world I like to think one day things will become dazzling between us. But there's more. I'm deciding what I want to be.. my mind's open to all these different things and whatever choose it's going to be tough but it's going to make a difference. I'm deciding who I want to be. I'm tweaking the different things in my life I dont' want.  I'm meditating and appreciating. I'm learning lessons and writing them down. I'm in therapy, but not like regular therapy it's like therapy with homework. I'm staying positive. I'm keeping my magic and my belief in grand gestures because when I think about them they make me smile until I cry. So I guess I'm not 100% faithful in them but it's going to take more than a little heart ache to make me not believe in magical love.I'm understanding people. I'm growing up little by little and not second guessing my own judgement. I'm praying, right now I'm praying for God to do things I know he can't, but praying is good regardless. 

 By the end of this year...this feeling...right here will pass. No matter what.

See you next year =D