I think about it at least once a day, I think about you.  I think about the chaos you brought into my life and I didn't even know you. I think about what it would be like to know you, what you would look like, and how'd you look at me . How it all seemed so scary but fell into place to. The future became part of my 1 year plan instead 5 year plan. We devised a plan that would put everything into place within the year. There would be moments I was so scared I couldn't breathe and then there was moments I was planning a wedding and daydreaming about the three more that would come into our lives.  We made pro / con lists. We envisioned you.  But when we envisioned the reality we knew it wasn't what we always envisioned. And then, when it really sat it, I got tempted with my possibility of accomplishments,  I got the position I wanted and applied to so many months before, and I find out the same week. It was temptation and the next day, I said something awful, and you knew. You knew and you made me awful, and it never got better. It never felt like the right decision. The days before creeped and the days after went by so fast. We did it, everything, just moved so smoothly. I thought about turning around every second, sense I said it a week before, I thought of turning around on my word. I whatched  videos the night before and wrote out texts saying, "I can't do it".   But I did  and they made it so easy. And I can't sit here and say it I know better or it was the wrong decision.But it feels like it. I saw you, doing absolutely nothing wrong, being completely perfect, and I still did it. I moved through the motions because I was scared.  What kind of  person does that really make me?

The temptations gone and it just doesn't mean as much.

It's just stuff.

There's stuff in life, and there's people.

I can't forgive myself and I don't even want to.

Maybe it's because last week  I watched Sexting in Suburbia, a really good movie I thought was centered around the Phoebe Prince suicide that happened last year after she was bullied or exiled from her group of friends. I'm being dramatic and I know, I'm in college, your more independent, it's harder to be "bullied" in college. But I think it's easier to feel completely alone. Since May of last year I have literally lost every single one of my friends. Zip, none.  When people talk about how we've grown apart they'll say it got clicky and I'll say yea and I'm by myself.

I have my boyfriend and I'm thankful to have someone. He has become my best friend and vice versa. I hate having it be a boy or thinking of how I would be if the relationship was done.  He watches me attempt to reconnect, to put effort in, the rudeness I receive back, and then picks me up when I feel pathetic about trying in the first place. He swears it's jealousy and will get mad saying it's not worth it and they probably weren't friends in the first place - and I defend them. He'll listen to me make excuses for mean things they'll say. And sometimes it gets so deep it's funny and we'll just laugh about it.  He'll convince me it's not me, but I still swear it is. It has to be.

I'm not being dramatic or questioning my life or anything drastic - but I'm lonely, completely, 100% feel like even if I did end my life the people that made me feel like this wouldn't be phased. Time wouldn't stop for them. I could understand it. No matter what you do or say, people hate because it's easier.

The difference between this in high school and college is, you know there's more. The same there was life out of high school, there is life out of college, and it be great if you had a girl friend you could share stuff with but you know your the importance of quality over quantity.  My relationship and friendship with my boyfriend is something completely different than any other relationship I think in the entire world and maybe it's better because  I have no friends or maybe it be different.    I have my family, my job, and there's alot of good things.

But there's a void.

I wrote this in March of 2010  I was independent and alone but happy with it.  I made mistakes after this but it was at the end of a few months I took to learn about myself more, find what I want, and think by myself - for myself.  So anyway, I was ready for a serious relationship  I wanted the one.  It was this time in my life  I finally realized what I deserved and an idea of what I wanted.  So I wrote this letter of qualities  and it blows me away how far I've come and how much I knew myself.

" Dear Soul mate , There's no doubt in my mind you exist, some people like to doubt strong words like soulmate, love, and forever. The idea of meeting your perfect compataible person seems like a long shot. And yes, if you know me then you know I have my debbie downer days, so yes, somedays I question finding you, but I've always known you existed. I am a believer that love can do everything we need it to. I always knew that one day, when I least expected it,  I would meet you. As you probably already know I fall in love with everyone I meet.  I give my attention, my love, my self, and anything I have to give to people whether they want it or not. You know my let downs, my dissapointments, and the love that has not been returned. So, I'm not sure I'll know if your my soulmate by my feelings, I think I'll know them by yours. You'll have a protective nature towards me and I will continually resist it. You will think you know what's best for me and I'll think I know. But when your right, more importantly when I'm ready to agree that your right you'll still be there.

There are things that I have  always wanted in a relationship, good teeth and strong arms These things are immature but they are my only physically requirements. Good teeth, are personable, it shows you take effort in what people think of you, but not much, and at the very least it shows you smile once in a while. You already know, but I am a girl who likes to  think she has it all figured out. Then in my darkest days, I will just need you, because too many people have let me down for me to need them. I like to comfort myself. I'm that girl that takes self-defense classes, buys mace, and if anyone tried something I could handle myself. But sometimes I don't want to, sometimes I want you to stand up against all my evil or at the very least make me forget about the evil with your strong embraces. I want someone to protect me,  to wear down my walls, to be there no matter not that the possibility of you leaving me isn't an option in my head anymore.

I want our love to be difficult, because love that can withstan the worst of scenarios thrive in the best. War time lovers, always last, because there's pain, there's distance, and there's a draw to be near the other person. I want to be apart for days, and when we part, have tears in my eyes and think I can't possibly make it. Which brings me to my next reason, passion. Soulmate, I know I can live without you. I have amazing love in every aspect of my life because I put it there. But I want to think I can't.  I want to slip out of charcter of you and think that without you I am a lesser version of myself. I wanna be me, when I'm with you.  I  want us to have sparks. Sparks that make my father nervous, because he's knows your special. Sparks that make me crazy.

So that's how I'll know your my soulmate. There will be other things and maybe some of the above won't happen or exist. But knowing your my soulmate is just the begining, the way we grow together is what will make us soulmates.  Things like going on vacation together, buying houses, getting enaged, getting married - these are what will define us. They will be important to you because their important to me. Things like planning road trips, looking at houses, proposing at a setting that's significant, and getting married in a dysfunctional family kind of way. These are the things that will make us fall even more in love with eachother.

That's the last thing that's important to me, that every day you think you love me more and the same with my feelings. The day we first say I love you, I want us both to mean it. But I also want the twenty-something, hundred-something, and thousand-something to be completely different feelings. I may fall in love with everyone I meet, but I want to continually fall in love with you.

I believe it will all fall into place. " 

It turned into my life goal, it turned into my demise  before I evened started. I was told be scared,  I was told in retrospect do as I say sometimes, not as I do. I was told no matter what I did I'd most likely fail not at life but at being addiction free. On one side of my family I have a long list of addictions and mental health problems, combined with traumatic situations for almost everyone I mention.  They are addicts who recognize the chain but have little hope they will be the one that change it. And I knew that, I recognized from an early age to take the good traits from people and use those traits as a collage of a role model, not any individual person.

I've seen the roller coaster. I've been swept up when someone's done. I've been let down and still reassuring when they slip. I've heard their denial of a problem, their acceptance of the problem, why they think they have the problem, and then deny every saying any of it. I've seen their strengths, I've seen the potential they all had, and I've seen innocent people be victims of their illness.  I've gone through the phases - I've gotten tired of trying to prove a system wrong, I've gotten amped up so I know that will be me. I've decided somewhere in my mind that the only way I won't get swept up is by making it my life. By studying it, by reading studies on it, by learning about the biological components, and the environmental, and what makes me more susceptible.

But, I don't believe in it. I don't think so anyway. Clean, Sober, or Functional - I've never seen an addict stop being an addict. I've seen addicts switch addictions. But the treatment, the process, the work I'd be doing  does it happen? It's a personal journey, sure there should be help. I believe in therapy. I believe that there's a lot of overlapping between your environmental background and where you are right now.  In the end, if I do it  I'm doing it to save people because I couldn't save the ones I wanted to, my family. 

But then again - it might just exhaust me in every aspect as much as my family has throughout these years.

To love. To not even want to think it will leave, to not wanting to write about it in case something happens and your wrong again. To feel like someone's partner, to complete each other. Talking about everything. Struggling to keep that sexy mystery because you just feel too damn comfortable. To laugh, all the time. To see them and instantly feel better about whatever troubles were in your head before. To want them to the first, and the last. To never want to hurt them anymore and pray that they never hurt you. To hope you feel like this for a while. To struggle to take it one day at a time. To be excited for excited for our future. To feel secure, so secure that no matter what anyone says or tries to doubt you stand by them. To feel yourself grow with them. To have adventures. To have adventures in daily life that make every day fun... To feel you got it right but not wanting to say that your certain.

.....why I haven't written in so long.

You could say it's living in the moment, appreciating this day and nothing else. But when a relationship of mine fails, really fails, with no possibility of returning, I like to pretend they go to an island or outer space or somewhere not around me. No, I don't want to be friend. Friends with Ex-es turns into friends with benefits or feelings or just repeating the same mistakes. So I live in the moment, I  haven't always  - but the relationships I put my heart and soul into are  few and far between as in two.  It takes a while for me to repair the damage others before have caused and it's only after this I stand up and find love and give it anther chance to knock me down. It doesn't make any relationship less special, but it kinda does if your looking from the outside.

I really cared for everyone I ever met. I'm a dreamer. I'm a girl.

You can't credit someone for making you happy. But I'm happier when I'm around him. I want this to be special. I want my dreams to one day meet my reality.   I just don't want to want it to much. 

It should be easier, it shouldn’t be so indecisive. Someone doesn’t want you, alright pack up your pride, clean yourself off from the floor, and walk  away, move on. There’s better – you know there’s better, better looking, nicer, just better because they want you.  Somewhere between this list we invent of qualities that mean nothing, like under 6’, a sister and a good taste in movies we resort to one quality, a preliminary quality. He actually wants you, it’s only after that cat and mouse game then we worry about the size of his movie collection or well other stuff. But maybe there’s anther quality we should enlist, because any guy will like any girl at one point in time, maybe we should only like the guys who won’t hurt us.  There's a point where you recognize they win, a point you don't even fucking care who you like or what you want you just want to be done with it all. I can’t get it to make much sense. The guy who swears up and down he won’t hurt you.  The guy who let's you cry to him about your ex-boyfriend you left him for. The guy who you skype with him and his mom. The guy who hangs out with your friends and makes so much more effort than you do. These are the guys you should fall for. These are the guys you should marry, the type of guy that doesn’t see anyone else but you, the type of guy that looks at you and says your one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever seen. The type of guy that doesn’t have a thing minors.  Because who cares if the only movies they own are all the Rocky’s. 

 You do.

 Because no matter how old you get. No  matter how much you don’t look like minor anymore. Your brainwashed with every movie, your brainwashed to believe. To believe in the turnaround  story, to believe in someone, because without it you believe in nothing. To believe in the dysfunctional but romantic story, to believe that even if it diddn't work out it was Alot like love.  Because you’re a girl, and as well as you play the game, as many times as you hurt someone. A guy always hurts a girl worse, because they let them more.

It’s silly, it’s all so silly.

I hold my own hand when  I go to sleep, if I'm not that I'm rubbing my hair.   I could handle myself. I could take care of myself, but I'm better at taking care of other people. I'm better when I dissassociate even being me, even having needs. If there is a 50/50 question  I chose the wrong one, I know it from the beginning, I second guess myself, I don't trust myself. I'm ready for my version of whatever a real relationship is. I'm ready for someone to be different. For me to chose the right 50/50 answer. For me to not lose myself. For that person that makes everything so easy. I didn't want it for so long, I was unsure for so long. And I get it, when you stand up, spiff yourself up and say I'm ready now, life already steeped in. It makes sense. I understand. What kind of person would I be if I left a person just because there going through something or just before they can't be what I want them to be right now. I get all that.

But I wanted it to be easy. I wanted it to work when I realized I wanted it to work.

In a few weeks I'm starting my last semester of college (at Springfield College in Mass). If all goes as plans I'll be starting graduate school in spring maybe at Springfield, but I'm applying to a few other schools too. I want to get my master's in Clinical or Counseling Psychology and then go right into a doctorate program. Get my PhD and then teach, write, and do research for the rest of my life while counseling people here and there in a small practice. Those's are the goals.

For my last semester of college.. I want to live completely. I've never once regretted slacking off or randomly going out on a Tuesday night, I'm not the kind of person that could completely slack off on stuff I prepare to be irresponsible. I want to create as many moments with my friends.  I want to get anther job, something college-y like waitressing. I want to either move into a relationship or distance myself from people I fall in and out of relationship mode with.

I want to work out more, which usually happens at school anyway. I want to be supportive for my family. But I'd like to make time for me too.

I want this year to be imperfectly amazing. :)